Wizard of Ships
by General RTS
Summary: It always seemed really suspicious to me how easily Team RWBY and Team JNPR managed to get paired up with extremely compatible partners despite how random the team selections actually were. This is my short theory to how the teams were actually created.
1. Prologue

Ozpin stood on the edge of the cliff overlooking the Emerald forest as he watched/(**manipulated**) the Team Selection Ceremony. In one hand, he held his obligatory coffee mug while in the other he held his scroll, displaying four different camera footages. One screen showed Ruby Rose and Weiss Schnee arguing over what to do next. A cute airhead with a tsundere? Those two were so moe they were definitely destined for one another. A second showed Blake and Yang walking in comfortable silence to the relic sites. The dark and silent personality of the Belladona girl nicely balanced out the bright and boisterous personality of Xiao Long. Yes, they would work. A third screen showed Lie Ren trying to keep up with the antics of Nora Valkyrie. Childhood friends? The law of anime demanded those two ended up together. And finally, possibly his favorite of them all, the fourth screen revealed Pyrrha Nikos helping the clumsy Jaune Arc down from a tree. Ozpin smiled, it was the classic tale of a teenage boy trying to survive a school he wasn't supposed to be in with the help of a powerful female love interest. Hadn't anyone seen Rosario+Vampire? It was bound to happen!

"Soon," he whispered to himself as he stared at all four screens intently. "Soon, all my pairings will become canon."

Behind him, Glynda Goodwitch released an exasperated sigh as she watched her boss indulge in his disturbing hobby. The headmaster had done this for _years_, matching up every student he possibly could during their time in Beacon. In fact he had become so proficient at covertly manipulating the love lives of teenagers that less than five percent of last year's graduating class walked away single. A part of her wanted to force an end to Ozpin's maniacal obsession with his student's love lives but Monty forbid if he ever turned his attention towards the Beacon teaching staff. She still had nightmares about being paired up with Professor Port.

'If only,' she though wryly, 'he had put this much effort into hunting, the Grimm would probably be extinct.' Either way, all eight students had already fallen in manipulative hands of the legendary… _Ship-wizard!_


	2. Dammit Ozpin

Jaune wasn't sure how to feel about his current headmaster. Yes, the man held his future, and those of all the other Beacon students, in the palm of his hand, subject to his whim. But for the most part, Professor Ozpin just seemed to be aloof and detached from the rest of the school, occasionally giving advice here or a simple nudge there. Jaune had actually kind of respected the educator for his cryptic wisdom… until now.

It had started about two weeks ago when Jaune had been practicing by himself on the rooftops of the dorms. A momentary loss of balance and stray swing of the sword had accidently destroyed a part of the nearby wall revealing a miniature surveillance camera. Of course, Jaune, being the innocent and trusting person he was, immediately assumed the camera must have been a part of Beacon's security system. That was until he had found others… in the student lounge, the cafeteria, the library and _their freaking dorms_! When he had brought up the issue with Professor Goodwitch, the usually strict disciplinarian simply looked uncomfortably embarrassed and directed him towards Professor Ozpin.

Which of course was why he was here now…

"Hello, Mr. Arc. Please come in." Professor Ozpin told him as he slowly turned his swivel-chair around to face him. For some reason he was petting a platypus on his lap while sipping from a mug of coffee.

Jaune gulped nervously. Seriously, the headmaster looked like some James Bond villain like that. "Ummm… sir, I wanted to talk ab-"

"I already know why you here." Opzin interrupted. "You have come to voice your concerns about the cameras you had found around campus, have you not?"

"Yes sir," Jaune hedged. "Well… it's just that… I mean… It's a complete violation of our privacy sir!"

Ozpin looked at the blonde for a moment in surprise and laughed. "Mr. Arc, I assure you I had those surveillance equipment installed into the school with only the purest of intentions and my student's best interests in mind."

Jaune nodded absently. "Yes, sir I thought as much but… wait… _you had those cameras installed!_"

"Of course I did." Ozpin answered cheerfully.

Shocked, Jaune did his best to reply. "But… I mean… WHY?!"

Ozpin smiled benignly. "Mr. Arc, I assure you, those cameras are necessary tools to help humanity fight against the darkness that surrounds us. I would not have done it otherwise."

Jaune breathed a sigh of relief. He was glad his headmaster didn't turn out to be a pervert. In the outside world, Ozpin was one of the most well respected and veteran Hunters in Remnant. Jaune should have known better than to think he had installed cameras into his school to peep on his own students. "Of course sir, I should never have doubted you. You probably installed them to keep us safe against grimm… or evil ninjas."

"Don't be silly, Mr. Arc." Ozpin smiled warmly, "I installed those cameras because they helped me equip my students with a force far more powerful than dust. I wanted the students of Beacon to graduate with the power of love."

Jaune was certain he had misheard. "E-Excuse me?"

"You see Mr. Arc," Ozpin patiently explained. "Anyone who has ever read the Harry Potter books knows that the most powerful magic in the world is love. Thus by helping my student's find love here in Beacon and keeping track of their romantic progress with significant others, I have effectively given them a potent weapon to use in their battle against grimm, terrorists and loneliness."

Jaune watched as all of his preconceptions about Ozpin's wisdom and respectability shatter… much like one of those fragile glass figurines one would find on sale in the Vale market. "Sir, I don't think love is a physical force that can stop us from being mauled by a grimm. I also don't think that's a good reason to peep on someone's personal life."

"I understand your misgivings," Ozpin said, completely lying through his teeth, "so perhaps it is best to see me as an extremely capable wingman… or cupid without the inappropriately skimpy clothing. Either is fine."

"A voyeuristic and stalkerish cupid? That doesn't sound creepy at all." Jaune groused.

"I hardly think you should be saying such things, Mr. Arc." Ozpin warned him, "After all, it was your potential as a lover rather than a fighter that helped you get into Beacon despite your fake transcripts."

Jaune gasped. He knew. Ozpin gave him a pained look. "Honestly Jaune, 'the Vale Academy of Greenland'? Did you really think we wouldn't call your school to check your transcripts? How stupid did you think we were?"

"It seemed like a good idea at a time?" Jaune said in embarrassment.

"You do realize that even your fake school name spells out V.A.G don't you?" Ozpin asked him rhetorically. "And yet despite your clear lack of ability as a hunter, a student or even a good liar, we still accepted you into Beacon, one of the most prestigious academies in Vale. Do you know why?"

"Because of my aura reserves and my potential as a hunter?"

Ozpin burst out laughing. "Hahahahahahahahaha *snort* Ahahahahahahahahahahaha! Oh, dear Monty, I haven't laughed like that in a long time. Thank you, Mr. Arc, I needed that."

"It's great to be needed." Jaune replied sullenly.

"No, Mr. Arc. I accepted you into my school because I saw in your personality the potential to become the protagonist of a great romance-comedy." Ozpin paused and pursed his lips. "As a matter of fact, you have so much potential you could even evolve to become a harem protagonist."

Jaune stared at Ozpin in disbelief. "You accepted me into your school… despite knowing full-well my transcripts were fake… _because you thought my love life would be funny!_"

"Well when you say it like that, it makes me sound a little boorish." Ozpin admitted.

"I was looking for a word a lot stronger than boorish." Jaune replied.

Ozpin pouted. "And after all that trouble I went through to get you paired up with Pyrrha Nikos. I'd hope you'd at least be grateful for everything I've done for you, Mr. Arc."

"With whatever small amount of respect due to you, sir," Jaune said, "I really, _really_ don't think you were the one responsible for my relationship with Pyrrha regardless of what you might think."

"Denial will get you nowhere, Mr. Arc." Ozpin advised with an almost warm smile. "Didn't you ever find it strange that on the day of the team selection ceremony, your gear was somehow mysteriously moved overnight into locker 636, even though you had placed your belongings into an entire differently locker the night before? And don't you think it's even stranger that this very locker number would lead you directly into the path of Miss Nikos _just_ as she happened to be in a conversation with Miss Schnee? I knew, in that very moment, Miss Schnee's highbrowed and cunning personality would contrast your dorky and honest one thus triggering Miss Niko's budding attraction towards you."

Jaune blinked. "But… but there's no way you could have possibly guaranteed that I would have ended up with Pyrrha during the team selections!"

Ozpin chuckled. "Oh, Mr. Arc, even now you still fail to see the slight details and intricacies that brought my master plan together. Something as simple as manipulating the team selections is elementary in comparison to the larger scheme at hand. Do you really think I couldn't have altered the trajectory and force of your assigned launcher pad so that it would throw you right into Miss Niko's line of sight just as she landed? The obvious conclusion would have ended with her saving you from your fall and becoming your partner in Beacon for the next four years."

Jaune argued, "But just because we ended up as partners didn't mean we would end up… you know…" and here he blushed, "as a couple."

Ozpin snorted. "Please, Mr. Arc, do you think it's _normal_ for a team comprised of two girls and two boys to share a single coed dorm room? I created that policy during my first year here as headmaster, all for the sake of creating an atmosphere that would provoke socially awkward yet romantically comedic scenarios between team members."

Color drained from Jaune's face as he was forced to confront the truth. "Dear Monty! You actually _were_ trying to pair me with Pyrrha."

"No, Mr. Arc! I wasn't trying! **I** **did **ship you with Miss Nikos and there isn't a damn thing you can do to stop it now!"

"But why!?" Jaune asked feeling a mix of frustration and confusion. "Why go through all the trouble of putting me with Pyrrha? Why us?"

"Please Mr. Arc, the two of you, while arguably one of my favorite ships, are hardly special." Ozpin told him while waving a hand dismissively. "I had already paired up everyone else in your year as well."

Jaune was at a loss for words. "You… but they…. How… EVERYONE!"

"Yes, everyone." Ozpin confirmed as he took a sip of coffee. "Team RWBY was surprisingly the easiest to pair up due to their personalities. The only real intervention necessary was for me to manipulate the team selections so that all four of the girls would land in the same general vicinity away from all the other participants so that they could be in a single team. After that, their innate personalities and characters would eventually pair themselves. Miss Belladona's personality would perfectly compliment Miss Xiao Long's just as Miss Rose's would have done for Miss Schnee's."

"But… but Weiss practically used to hate Ruby!" Jaune felt compelled to point out.

Ozpin shook his head in disappointment. "Mr. Arc you simple fool. That is only to the untrained eye which fails to understand the true nature of the tsundere. Any true expert such as myself would have immediately identified Miss Schnee to be a Type A."

"… What?"

"You see, Miss Schnee's upbringing was far from the happy childhood you would expect from being the daughter of one of the most affluent men in Remnant. Constantly faced with the pressures and expectations of being the heiress to the Schnee Company, she eventually shut herself away from others, keeping them at an arm's length with her tsuntsun side. I knew it would be a matter of finding someone special to trigger her inner deredere. Why do you think I allowed Miss Rose to enter Beacon two years ahead of the rest of her peers? It's because I had counted on the fact that her moemoe personality would be able to accomplish just that."

"Bu… But… you… she… …"

"Of course, I knew simple moeness would not be enough to break through Miss Schnee's ice cold exterior which is why I decided to appoint Miss Rose to be the leader of Team RWBY. As I planned, Miss Schnee's inherent jealousy and superiority complex led her into an outward conflict with Miss Rose while at the same time increased subconscious sexual tensions between the two."

"Oh, come on!" Jaune complained, "There's no way you could have possibly predicted all of that!"

"You underestimate my abilities, Mr. Arc." Ozpin chided him, "It was obvious to me that their conflict would be resolved through my and Professor Port's careful guidance. Once their differences were settled, their relationship would be closer than ever before."

"But what about Yang and Blake?" Jaune protested, "Their relationship barely changed since they came to Beacon."

Ozpin clicked his tongue. "Once more Mr. Arc, you see things only with your eyes and take words at their face value. This is why you tend to miss obvious signs that no self-respecting shipper would ever let go unnoticed. You see, Miss Belladona grew up in a painful world of discrimination and hatred. During her history with the White Fang, she had always been alone with no one to depend upon but herself. I knew it was only a matter of time before she finally found comfort and solace in Miss Xiao Long's warm and sisterly nature. It was inevitable and required little interference from myself.

"And Ren and Nora?"

"Please," Ozpin scoffed, "Those two were already together long before I ever found them. As childhood friends those two were going to end up being a couple regardless of whether or not I wanted it to happen."

"Well... yeah, but... oh man, I guess I have to give that one to you." Jaune admitted reluctantly.

"Therefore Mr. Arc, if you consider all of my masterful manipulations until now, you'll find that I had planned all of this from the very beginning." Ozpin finished in complete and total victory. "Emperor Lelouch and Aizen would have been proud."

"Y-you…You're a madman!" cried Jaune.

"No, Mr. Arc!" Ozpin declared, "**I AM THE SHIP-WIZARD!**"

"You won't get away with this!"

"Won't I, Mr. Arc? Won't I?" Ozpin challenged. "Because I think you will find that I very much will. For you see Mr. Arc, no matter how disturbingly deviant or diabolically deceitful you might find my actions, the truth of the matter is that you. are. happy. Ultimately, you are blissfully content with the outcome of my machinations just like the other members of Team RWBY and JNPR. And deep in your heart, you know that if you had the chance go back in time and stop me, you wouldn't. You are happy with the partner and the team you ended up with. You wouldn't have it any other way nor could you ever bring yourself to regret them no matter how this good fortune came about. So tell me Mr. Arc, **WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO!?**"

Jaune opened his mouth and closed it before opening it again in a fruitless effort to retort. Ozpin was right, he realized. He wouldn't have his team or his friends any other way even if they had all been planned by the schools resident megalomaniac. The said megalomaniac smiled as he saw Jaune's shoulders slump in defeat.

"Well, Mr. Arc." The Ship-Wizard told him. "I'm glad we could have this conversation. Please feel to drop by again if you have any questions… or if you are in need of relationship advice. I would be happy help."

Jaune nodded weakly and mumbled his thanks before turning to leave when a thought occurred to him.

"Wait a minute." Jaune stopped right in front of the door and turned around. "You said you paired up _everyone_ in my year. Then what about teams like Team CRDL? How could you possible ship them together with anyone when everyone else was taken?"

He would almost immediately regret asking that question.

Ozpin shrugged nonchalantly. "Well personally I never had much taste for yaoi myself but who am I to judge others for their sexual preferences? Remember Mr. Arc we must always practice tolerance and understanding towards those who are different from us."

Ozpin hadn't even finished his sentence before Jaune sprinted out the door towards the nearest washroom while desperately trying to hold his vomit in.

Dammit Ozpin.

* * *

**GENERAL RTS:** Ahhhh... I love the smell of pandering to shippers in the morning.


	3. The Shipper Strikes Back

**Chapter 3:** Where Ozpin goes from slightly creepy headmaster to maniacally deranged shipper/flamer.

* * *

It was a beautiful day at Beacon Academy, the birds were chirping, love was in the air and in the midst of it all Ozpin sat back comfortably into his office chair, satisfied he had played his part dutifully in keeping the balance of the world. He sighed appreciation for a brand new day and took a sip of his coffee until…

"Pfffttt!"

Opzin spat it out. While normally the loss of any amount of his precious drink would have been cause for outright panic followed closely by deep mourning, there were far more alarming matters at hand for the headmaster of Beacon Academy.

"I sense a disturbance in the yuri."

While most of the oblivious masses would have simply dismissed the feeling as nothing, Ozpin knew better. Years of fighting grimm, waging wars and matchmaking had honed his senses far beyond the typical limitations of normal human beings. So when Ozpin felt a disturbance in the yuri, there was a god damned disturbance in the yuri! Quickly, Ozpin brought up his surveillance records to the time and place of where he last felt the disturbance and played the video. What occurred next was not pretty.

**"And I don't believe I've caught your name, snow angel." leered some blue haired douche Ozpin had never seen before.**

**Weiss blushed. Blushed! "Ummm. I'm Weiss." She responded.**

Ozpin stared at the rest of the recording in a mixture of disgust and disbelief. "What the hell was that?!"

This was crisis, a double… no, a triple crisis! Like any true shipmaster Ozpin knew that a healthy relationship was built upon trust, commitment and, often times, good sex, all slowly developed over a period of time. True romance wasn't made up of a few flirty smiles and a corny pick up line. And yet that's all it took to put a hole in his carefully crafted master plan!

"This is the least thought out romance plot since the Harry Potter books," The shipper ranted. "or worse… Twilight!" With those shots fired, Ozpin ranted on. "This isn't what I had intended for Weiss. Ruby needs run up to her calling 'Weiss-chaaaaaan~' while Weiss goes all tsun-tsun and says 'Baka! Don't call me that in public!' before hugging in a yuri-yuri way!"

He had to put a stop to this. But how? A sniper shot from one of the academy's many towers could do the trick but a dead foreign student would cause an international incident. Food poisoning? That might be more subtle but Beacon's medical staff were simply too skilled for it to be a permanent solution and hospitalizing him would only invoke the Florence Nightingale Effect which would worsen the situation even further. No. Ozpin would have to play this out carefully and subtly just as Emperor Lelouch and Aizen would have done in this situation. First, he needed information.

o0o

"Glynda!"

The aforementioned witch stopped in the halls and to see her boss walking towards her. She blinked. In all her years of working for the man, she had never seen him this agitated. Hell, she had never seen him be anything less than perfectly calm and cryptic in several situations that would have made anyone else lose their temper or control over their bladders. Actually, Glynda reasoned, the only thing that could possibly have induced such reaction from this man would have either had to be something catastrophically serious or just plain stupid.

"Glynda, we have a problem!"

She was starting to feel pretty certain it was going to be the latter. "And… what could that be Professor Ozpin?" she asked.

"Who is this boy?" he asked, holding up a picture of a student with blue hair.

Quickly using her pad to crosscheck the photo, she answered. "Neptune Vasilias. He's one exchange students who are here for the Vytal festival tournament this year."

"I knew it!" Ozpin cried. "I knew that brat was bad news!"

Glynda blinked. "… What?"

"Don't you see, Glynda!" Ozpin asked. "Don't you see what this nefarious ne'er-do-well is trying to do?"

Glynda blinked again. "No. No I do not. But I have a horrible feeling you're about to tell me."

He did.

Glynda sighed as she massaged her temple in preparation of the oncoming headache. "So let me see if I understand this correctly. You're worried that this boy, Vasilias, is going to interfere with your matchmaking hobby between Miss Schnee and Miss Rose? And what exactly is the problem again?"

"Don't you understand?" Ozpin griped. "He's an exchange student! Haven is practically on the other side of Remnant. He's not looking for a meaningful romance that would inevitably become a unfulfilling long distance relationship, he's just looking for a quick and easy fling before he goes back home leaving some poor girl heartbroken and used."

"First of all," Glynda responded, "Haven isn't that far away from Vale, secondly, long distance relationships have worked out in the past and thirdly, they're teenagers Ozpin, children, just like you said. The relationships they have today aren't necessarily going to last forever. That's also a part of life."

"Lies and heresy!" Ozpin denied. "I watched that boy. He ogles and flirts with just about anything that has two legs in this school. Besides, exchange students are always bad news. Don't tell me you've forgotten how Ironwood left you a heartbroken mess all those years ago? You never recovered!"

Glynda blushed. "I wasn't a mess! And besides, he didn't leave me headmaster. It was _mutual_."

Ozpin scoffed. "Mutual in what way? Mutual in the sense that you were both single right after he left you?"

"… Yes, that way."

"See!" Ozpin exclaimed. "We cannot allow that to happen again! The last thing we need is another smoking hot young woman acting like some crotchety old spinster when she's only in her twenties!"

"Excuse me?!" Glynda exclaimed in indignation before she registered the inadvertent compliment. Then the blush settled in. "Wait. Did you just call me a smo-"

"Now, if you'll excuse me Glynda, I must go protect my ship- errr… I mean my students." Ozpin declared with determined fire in his eyes, one Glynda had not seen in years… It actually made him look pretty hot.… and then she remembered the context in which they blazed.

Fighting down her embarrassment, Glynda reached out and held the totally no-at-all-sexy headmaster back. "Ozpin, you can't."

Ozpin smiled benignly. "Glynda, you will find that I am perfectly capable of-"

"Alright fine," Glynda interrupted him. "but you shouldn't."

Ozpin looked horrified. "But… but Glynda… the ships."

Glynda sighed. "Ozpin, we're educators. It's our jobs to guide these students not control them. What Miss Schnee choses to do with her life is her own decision. We should respect that freedom of choice regardless of our own preferences. Otherwise, how can we say we're bringing up the next generation of Hunters and Huntresses?" Seeing that he was not yet convinced she continued on. "And besides, if Miss Rose and Miss Schnee's relationship cannot survive without your constant machinations than maybe they simply weren't meant for one another."

Ozpin jerked back as though he had just been stabbed by an invisible arrow. "You… you bring up some good points." He admitted reluctantly.

"Then you won't interfere with their Miss Schnee's choice, or attack that Vasilias boy?"

"I… I suppose not." Ozpin answered in a defeated tone.

Glynda smiled. "Good." The smile faltered for a moment. "By the way, are you free this Sunday?"

"Yes, why?" Ozpin asked in confusion.

Glynda stumbled "There…umm…. There are some things I wanted to talk to you about for the upcoming festival, and I figured we could do so over a cup of coffee. I know a nice café in town."

"But why would we ha-"

"It's a date then!" Glynda cut in before walking away briskly. "I'll message you the time and place later!" She called back.

Ozpin blinked. What the heck was that about?

o0o

As the day soon gave way to evening, Ozpin went back to his office to brew himself a nice relaxing cup of coffee. Bereft of any option he could take to rectify what, in his eyes, was a total affront to both logic and true romance, Ozpin did what any other human would have done in such a situation: Bitch about it to the nearest available friend.

"And that's what she said, Qrow." Ozpin whined, as he held a phone to his ear with one hand and a mug of coffee with the other. "And now, I can't do anything about it. Seriously though what does Weiss even see in him?"

On the other end of the line, Qrow mused. "Didn't your surveillance notes say that the Neptune boy was a bit of a dork? Maybe the girl has a fetish for clumsy dunces."

Ozpin paused to consider the possibility as he considered all of Weiss Schnee's possible love candidates. Jaune Arc, Ruby Rose and now Neptune Vasilias.

"…That might be entirely possible." He conceded. "But still, poor Weiss is going to end up completely devastated. She might never trust anyone ever again. Everything I've done until now to bring her out of her shell will have been for nothing."

Qrow chuckled. "Oh Ozpin, you naïve fool, you're always being too impatient. You never think about the endgame."

Ozpin stopped. "What do you mean?"

"Think about it." Qrow told him. "You said that this Neptune boy was a womanizer and since he's an exchange student he'll be leaving at the end of the year. Once the heiress is left heartbroken who do you think she'll go for comfort and consolation?"

A dawning realization hit Ozpin like a freight train. The only people in Remnant Weiss trusted enough to show her emotionally vulnerable side was in Team RWBY. But Blake was too quiet for such an interaction while Yang was too boisterous which only left…

"Of course!" Ozpin exclaimed. "She would have no one else but Ruby to turn to, Neptune isn't sinking this ship, he's strengthening its hull with reinforced steel plating!"

"Took you long enough to notice." Qrow chided. "But enough about my niece, how is Glynda doing?"

Ozpin frowned "She was acting fairly strangely today."

"Really?"

"She invited me to a café this Sunday. I wonder what that was about."

"I'm sure you'll figure it out." Qrow told him.

"Of course, until next time old friend." Ozpin said before hanging up.

Qrow chuckled as he put down the phone. "You might call yourself the Ship-Wizard, but a true shipmaster always remembers to think about the long term. You still have much to learn, young padawan."

Easing himself back into his chair, he swiveled it around to see the Wall. On the Wall were various photos of celebrities, successful CEOs, and influential politicians, each photo accompanied by a plethora of notes around it. It was a testament to a lifetime of successful shipping and Qrow was damn proud of it. At the very center of the Wall were two very distinct photos. The first displayed Ozpin during his inauguration as the Headmaster of Beacon, while Glynda stood dutifully beside him. The second photo was clearly older. In it was a much younger Ozpin holding Glynda in a comforting embrace after she had been dumped during their teenage years.

"Soon," he whispered to himself as he stared at the Wall intently. "Soon, all my pairings will become canon."

**o0-Omake-0o**

_'This is bad. This is really bad. This is all so catastrophically cataclysmically bad!' _Ozpin thought as he looked towards the situation before him.

Ruby Rose had his Shipping Notebook.

It had been a nice long weekend when Ozpin decided to check the progress of his student's relationships. He spent the day walking around the school checking in on each pairing and had returned to his office sometime during the afternoon. It was then he had finally noticed. He no longer had his Ship-Notes. Realizing that he must have lost his precious notes sometime during the excursion, Ozpin searched frantically around the school hoping no-one else got to them first. Sadly, his hopes were completely shattered when he dashed inside the library to find the young red head, holding his notebook in her hands.

This was it. His life was over. He could see it now. His removal from office as the Headmaster of Beacon, the looks of betrayal and loathing he would receive from his former and current students. No wait. Maybe he could still salvage the situation. He could pretend the notebook wasn't his.

"Ummm... Professor Ozpin," Ruby said as she walked towards him, "Could I ask you something about your notebook?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about Miss Rose." Ozpin politely responded, feigning innocence. "I certainly don't own a notebook like that."

"But it has your name on it." Ruby said, flipping the book over to reveal the label 'Property of Professor Ozpin, Headmaster of Beacon Academy'

_'Curse my stupidly detailed organizational habits!'_ Ozpin raged internally.

"I wanted to ask about these names." Ruby continued. "Like Arkos, ReNora, and BumbleBee. What do they mean?"

Ozpin stopped. Wait… was she still on the first page? That was when he was still brainstorming ideas for the potential ship names. The situation was still salvageable!

"Well you see, Miss Rose," Ozpin ad-libbed as best he could while gently easing the notebook out of Ruby's hands. "There are names… errr…. for…ummm… combination attacks."

Ruby tilted her head in confusion. "Combination attacks?" she asked.

"Yes," Ozpin replied nervously, "You see… I decided that you and your peers are now prepared to take on a new level of teamwork exercises by practicing synchronized combination attacks between two to three people teams."

"Oh," Ruby said as understanding lit her eyes. "Like how we fought those grimm during initiation?"

Ozpin nodded. "Yes, exactly like that."

"Can I see them?"

"NO!" Ozpin yelled in panic. "I mean… errr… no, Ruby, I'm not finished creating these attacks yet and it wouldn't be fair of me to show you your team's attacks when I haven't finished creating them for other teams.

"Oh." Ruby said. "I guess that makes sense. Well, I guess I better get going then. See you later, professor." she said as she walked off.

Ozpin sighed in relief. There, problem solved. Wait. Did he just promise to create attack formations for each pairing name he had come up with… _for all the teams?!_ That would take the entire long weekend!

Dammit Ruby.

* * *

**General RTS:** Originally, I just wanted to write a fic that showed Ozpin's reaction to a perceived threat to one of his pairings and have him list all the reasons why I thought Neptune/Weiss was a bad idea while at the same time have Glynda show why it really shouldn't matter since canon pairings aren't really important to the fandom. I actually didn't intend to start shipping Ozpin and Glynda but as I kept on writing their interactions, the pairing just played itself out.

In other news, I suppose I've now more or less thrown my lot in with the Arkos, White Rose, Bumblebee, ReNora, Ozpin/Glynda and Jaune/Harem factions. This is for my fellow shippers. We will man these battleships to the bitter end.


	4. AN: RIP

It was a beautiful cloudless afternoon in the city of Vale, Professor Ozpin mused as he sat drinking coffee with his female assistant Glynda Goodwitch in a nice café by the urban harbor. Last week, the woman had all but insisted they go out to get a cup of the hot beverage stating that she would talk to him about important matters. To his surprise she had shown up in a casual white skirt and a frilly blue blouse looking absolutely gorgeous. What was her game? Was this some kind of trap? Was she playing mind games with him? Was she still mad that he had tranquilized the Neptune boy and was now trying to get her revenge?

Whatever she was planning, Ozpin was forced to concede that she was very cunning about it. First distracting him with caffeine and then making small talk about the latest gossip in the Beacon faculty. Clever girl. Even her choice of dress was strategically chosen. Both the blouse and skirt were fashionably tasteful, showing enough cleavage and leg to arouse yet covering enough to excite the imagination. Any other man would have fallen for her wiles long ago.

But not him! He was Professor Ozpin, Headmaster of Beacon, Wizard of Ships, Protector of Yuri and the Master of all….

Ozpin's mental rant trailed off as he sensed something so terrible, so fundamentally wrong that he completely froze for several moments feeling as though he had been stabbed in the chest and was trying to convince himself that it had not actually happened, that it was some cruel joke played by the gods.

"Ozpin, is something wrong?" Glynda asked, breaking him out of his reverie.

"…Glyn… Glynda… its" Ozpin struggled to find his voice, to try to express the wrongness of what he had just felt into words.

Glynda rolled her eyes. "Did you sense a disturbance in the yuri again?"

"No, it's far more serious than that." Ozpin said visibly shaken. "I felt a great disturbance in the Fandom, as if the greatest person ever just passed and millions of voices suddenly cried out in sorrow and started crying. I fear something terrible has happened."

Glynda blinked. To Ozpin, nothing was more important than the yuri. Could this really be that serious? "Is there anything we can do?"

Ozpin shook his head. "No, I fear there is nothing we can do in this Glynda. Everything with a beginning must have an end. Therefore it stands to reason that the time we have in this world and by extension the time we have to spend with others is very limited. Rather than crying over time we never had, it's often better to be grateful for the time we did and spend the time we have left pursuing our passions and those we love."

"That seems rather bleak." Glynda said feeling slightly depressed.

"Perhaps," Ozpin sighed sadly and leaned back into his chair. "however, in these difficult times I remind myself that we humans are like fireworks. That in the grand scheme of the universe we may be nothing more than short flickering lights. But we can shine brighter than anything you would ever expect and awe anyone who takes the time to see it. Monty Oum embodied this idea better than anyone I knew. Rest in Peace, Monty. "

* * *

**General RTS: **When I first heard that Monty Oum had passed away I couldn't believe it. I stared at my screen for several moments in shock before scouring, reddit, twitter, facebook, youtube, the roosterteeth site, all in the vain hope that this wasn't real, that this was some sick joke played by a malicious troll and that eventually I would find a post that would reassure me that Monty Oum was indeed still alive and that he was going to make a full recovery. Sadly it turned out he actually had died yesterday on February first due to a severe allergic reaction during a medical examination. This was difficult news for me because I had already lost a close professor to cancer and a college buddy to a car accident over the past month. Death is often a difficult thing to deal with and I wanted to provide some reassuring thoughts on it. I also wanted to announce that I will probably adding at least one more chapter to this series and I will do my best to make you guys laugh because honestly that is what we need most in times like this.


	5. The Shipper Returns

**Final Chapter:** In which shipping solves all of life's problems.

* * *

"They were here." Ironwood growled. He slammed his fist on the table. "Ozpin, they were here!"

"We are very much aware of that. Thank you James." Glynda responded testily.

"Fantastic," Ironwood responded with equal sarcasm "You're aware. Now are we going to do something about it or should we stay the course and continue to ignore what is right in front of us?"

Ozpin smiled wearily "Come now, old friend. Surely, you don't think that I would neglect my duties so atrociously. The perpetrator has already been identified this morning. She and her affiliates are currently posing as students from Haven in this very school and were roomed in the AH dorms."

Ironwood blinked, clearly surprised that Ozpin had found spy from the other night so soon. "Are you are sure it's her?"

Ozpin snorted, "It wasn't exactly difficult. She used her scroll to log into the school's wifi system in the elevator. Once we checked positive for her IP address we just traced her back to her dorm and used the security footage to match the appearances. Heck, they even registered their real names at the school; Cinder Fall, Mercury Black and Emerald Sustrai. I could have literally google searched some of their criminal records."

"A disguise probably would have been useful." The general mused. "I wonder why she chose to don fetish wear instead."

"Some people seem to believe that it provides a good distraction," Ozpin offered "Though I'm not sure why she thought it would be an effective garb for an infiltration mission."

"We must be dealing with an amateur then." Ironwood concluded. "How did you manage to get security footage of her? I thought she hacked into Beacon's surveillance system."

"Those were only the official cameras." Ozpin said dismissively. "I had a secondary system installed in secret."

"… … Why?"

"In case something like this ever happened." Ozpin answered, completely lying through his teeth. It wasn't as though he could tell the man that he had installed an entire surveillance system to monitor his students' love lives.

"I see." Ironwood was impressed by the headmaster's level of preparation and felt his respect for the man rise exponentially. "Then our course of action is clear. We call in the army, surround the AH dorms and arrest the three immediately."

"James-"

"No, Ozpin!" Ironwood interrupted." We need to get them while we still can when they're within our grasp."

"And then what?" Ozpin countered. "All we know now is that she assaulted a few guards and was in a restricted area during the night of the dance."

"We could interrogate her."

"And she would tell you nothing." Ozpin told him flatly. "And while you interrogate someone who may very well be nothing more than a pawn in this grand scheme, we will have lost our only source of information to stop whatever our enemies may be planning."

Ironwood sighed, recognizing he had been beaten. "And what would you suggest?"

Ozpin sat back into his chair, sipping from his mug before answering. "We will continue to monitor Cinder Fall so that we can ultimately disrupt and destroy her plans, whatever they may be."

"And how would we go about disrupting her plans?" Glynda asked skeptically.

"There is a boy in this school by the name of Jaune Arc. I believe has the ability to get close to Cinder."

"A spy?" Ironwood raised a brow. "But why the boy? Doesn't he have one of the lowest grades in the student body?"

"He does." Ozpin confirmed. "But right now, he has the perfect skillset and personal traits to accomplish what we need him to do."

"Ah," Ironwood's eyes lit up in understanding. Of course, the Arc boy was starting to make sense to him now. Born from a prestigious line of Hunters, there was no way a boy like Jaune could have grown up to be anything less than a prodigy. His transcripts certainly suggested he was. But an exceptional student would have attracted too much attention and public scrutiny, conditions no sane spy would ever want. Ozpin must have cultivated the boy from a young age to be his personal informant in the student populace. He decided to pry for information. "What is he like?"

"Well…" Ozpin mused, "He's about as threatening as a small gerbil."

Seemingly harmless and innocent, no one would ever suspect someone like that.

"He's extremely clumsy and naïve."

Not traits he would ever expect in a spy but okay.

"He has compassionate blue eyes, an honest personality and many female sources have told me they found him quite adorkable."

Wait.

What?

"Wait minute, Ozpin." Ironwood said as a dreaded realization dawned upon him. "I might sound crazy right now, but the boy's description is starting to sound more like a dating profile than the skill set of an effective spy."

"On the contrary," Ozpin replied. "Jaune Arc is the most suitable spy for our current plans. He will be tasked with infiltrating Cinder's heart."

And then it finally clicked.

"Are you… _are you trying to ship Cinder Fall with Jaune Arc_?!" James yelled, sincerely hoping he was wrong.

"Yes, that's precisely what I am doing." Ozpin admitted without shame.

Ironwood struggled to find the words. "You… I don't even… ARE YOU INSANE?"

"I'll have you know James my psychologist has informed me that my sanity is within perfectly reasonable deviations." The fact that Ozpin had helped ship this particular psychologist with an attractive girlfriend of course had nothing to do with the man's final judgement.

Ironwood refused to dignify that statement with a response and instead turned his outrage to the next available and hopefully saner target.

"And you!" he said turning the Glynda. "He still hasn't given up shipping after all this time?! And you just let it happen?!"

"What could I have done, James?" Glynda glared back. "The man is my superior and the last time I checked, you were the one encouraging his habit in the vain hope of improving your desolate sex life!"

"Yes... well, but... damn, I suppose you have a point there." He admitted sheepishly. "But still Glynda, we're not teenagers anymore. Isn't it time he moved on from such activities?"

Glynda gave him a look of pity. "Do you really think I haven't tried? What do you think I have been doing for all these years? You have no idea what it's like, trying to fight a battle you knew you were destined to lose, knowing that all your blood, sweat and tears would be meaningless in the end. So let me ask you this, _what have you done in these last few years_?!"

Ironwood recognized her hollowed and haunted eyes as those too often seen in veterans returning from the bloodiest wars or survivors of vicious Grimm attacks. For the first time in years he began to fear for his own sanity.

"We're getting off topic." Ozpin reminded them. "We must take swift action against Cinder Fall and her cohorts."

"No!" Ironwood said, interrupting the headmaster. "Don't you dare pretend to be the voice of reason in this mess. If we're going to take swift action then it will be in the form a sustained droid assault on enemy positions."

"That course of action will only lead to unnecessary destruction and casualties." Ozpin countered back. "Trust me James. I have researched Cinder psych profile and history. This will work. Jaune Arc's character traits, provided the right stimulus, will all but guarantee Cinder Fall's attraction and subsequent defection to our side. Once that happens, we will have turned the enemy's greatest asset against them."

"Ozpin-"

"No, James!" said Ozpin, cutting him off. "You may doubt my abilities but I am not the same shipper you once knew. Over the past several years, experience and new theories have honed my abilities, made me stronger and wiser than I was before. What you face here is a man who has dedicated his entire soul so that others could love and be loved. I am the wingman of Beacon, not the one it deserves but the one that it needs. I am a silent guardian, a watchful protector… a Ship Wizard."

Did… did he just parody the Ark Night movie?

"Just because you're right doesn't mean you're correct. If you insist on standing in my way, then I will simply ship you until it is canon!"

How is that a threat?

"Ozpin," James said trying to placate his old friend. "I know you truly believe that love conquers all. It's an admirable sentiment but life isn't a fairy tale. Your plan simply won't work."

Ozpin stiffened at the remark, then leaned over his desk and said two words that struck terror in the Ironwood's heart.

"Challenge accepted."

o0o

Jaune had no idea how he had gotten into this situation. In the back of his mind, he (correctly) suspected that the machinations of his maniacal headmaster might somehow have had something to do with the fact that Cinder Fall, the beautiful transfer student from Haven, was currently snuggling up against his arm whilst purring like a cat.

It has certainly been a strange semester over the past few months, Jaune mused, at least since he had met Cinder. He remembered having gone to the cafeteria for lunch where he saw team CRDL harassing the dark haired girl. At the time, it didn't strike him as odd that neither of Cinder's teammates had been present nor did it seem strange that none of his own friends had been in the cafeteria despite the fact that they had all left Port's class at the same time. In hindsight, it was even stranger that team CRDL, who had mellowed out significantly and given up their bullying ways, had suddenly decided to pick on the new student for no discernable reason.

What Jaune was blissfully unaware of, at the time, was that Ozpin had expertly orchestrated the absence of any party that could potentially have interfered and prevented Jaune from unintentionally raising the Cinder flag. He also persuaded (blackmailed) CRDL with an anonymous letter to bully Cinder in order to help set up her route. As predicted, Jaune stood up to CRDL forcing them to back off from the villainess who had been resisting the urge to burn the entire team to a crisp for the sake of keeping her abilities concealed. Though it was only the beginning of their relationship, the incident had left a lasting impression on Cinder's mind.

Perhaps it was his imagination, but Jaune realized that he had begun seeing Cinder around the school much more frequently after that incident. They had started running into each other in the halls, the library and were often paired up in group assignments. Whether this was an incredible series of coincidences or the workings of a benevolent god, Jaune had found himself growing fond of gorgeous seductress as he got to know her better. Eventually, the meetings had escalated and after a series of exciting adventures during which Jaune had rescued Cinder from an exploding building and then helped her make peace with her troubled past, Cinder had fallen head over heels for the blonde goofball.

A tug on his arm brought Jaune out of his reminiscing as he remembered that the two were not alone. While Cinder was snuggling against his left arm, basking in his scent, his right was similarly occupied by a familiar redheaded Spartan who pulled his arm into her considerable cleavage. Though he had grown to love Cinder over the past few months, Jaune recognized his equally budding feelings for Pyrrha as well, leaving him in a painful dilemma, one he wasn't sure he ever wanted to confront. Just last week, Cinder had snuck into his room in the middle of the night wearing a sexy spy catsuit, declaring that she was on a mission to punish her naughty little boy. Jaune wasn't sure whether he should have been relieved or disappointed when his scarlet haired partner woke up and flung the intruder out the window. Ever since then Pyrrha insisted on sleeping with Jaune in the same bed, to protect him from "that foul vixen". The fact that her nightwear of choice often consisted nothing but a sheer negligee added with her habit of clinging to him in her sleep, was cause for many a sleepless nights.

Pyrrha glared at the ebony haired girl and, in a silent system of communication only known to women, made one message painfully clear. _'Back off. He's mine.'_

Cinder, recognizing the look for what it was, smiled back answering the challenge with a fitting message. _'Come and get him.'_

From afar, their teammates and friends looked towards the spectacle the trio was creating in the school cafeteria. Their reactions ranged from confusion to amusement to horror.

"Well," Yang said speaking for her team whilst smirking, "this is a thing. Who knew vomit boy was such a ladies man? I guess Fall has _fallen_ for Jaune."

Everyone in earshot groaned.

Off to their side, the remaining members of JNPR watched on. Ren remained as calm as ever, hiding his own puzzlement at the scene. His own partner however was not so reserved.

"Woo!" Nora screamed, cheering Jaune on. "Arkosfall forever! Mah OTT!"

From back, Emerald and Mercury watched with a mixture of shock and horror as several months of insidious plotting came crashing down into the ground. They had never even entertained the possibility their boss was capable of liking someone, let alone loving someone. The fact that that someone could be Jaune 'vomit-on-vehicles' Arc was nothing short of mind-blowing.

"Whelp," Emerald said, neatly summing up their thoughts. "We're screwed."

Mercury snorted. "Well at least you can still fall back on stealing. Do you have any idea how badly the henchman market is doing right now? It never recovered since the recession."

"Hey!" Emerald cried, indignant. "Thieving isn't as easy as you make it out to be."

Mercury gave her a flat look. "We managed to steal 40 tons of dust before the entire plan got derailed by a blonde dork. The Vale Police Department isn't exactly made up of the crème de la crème."

Somewhere in Vale, detective Burns and Heyman simultaneously sneezed.

"I hate you." The thief groused.

"I love you too." Her partner replied smirking.

Nora gave them a pained look. "Oh, just fuck already."

Meanwhile in Ozpin's office, Ozpin and Glynda watched the ensuing scene from the surveillance footage on a computer monitor while James stood in the background smashing his head against a wall. Ozpin smiled proudly as he watched his precious entertainment… errr… student start upon a path to realize his full potential. It was incredibly fulfilling to see his faith in the boy rewarded.

"You know," Glynda said, directing her comment at Ozpin. "There's one thing I still don't understand. You usually hate compromising your original ships and I know Miss Nikos and Mister Arc's relationship was one of your favorites. So why risk complicating your neat pairings?"

"There were two reasons." Ozpin admitted, slightly startled that his longtime friend had figured out his shipping habits out so easily. "The first is that regardless of what Cinder may have planned, she was not beyond saving. Hers was a tragic tale and if at all possible I felt that she deserved a chance at genuine love. If anything it was Jaune's compassion that had made it possible. In this instance, he deserves credit for Cinder's redemption. I merely set up the game."

"What do you mean?"

Ozpin sighed. "There were a myriad of things that could have gone wrong. You must understand Glynda, I cannot make two people to love each other. Love is simply not something that can be forced. All I can do… all I should do, is take two souls that may be suitable for one another and give them the opportunity to find it themselves. That is true shipping. Cinder could have remained impassive to my efforts and Jaune's relationship to Miss Nikos may have been irrevocably damaged as a result of them. It was a risk. But sometimes I suppose we must have faith in our students, not only in their abilities but also in the content of their character."

The honest admission surprised Glynda, not only for its hidden depths but because is showed how much trust Ozpin placed in his students. At the end of the day, even beyond his obsessive hobby, Ozpin was a headmaster who truly cared about his students.

"And the second?" she asked out of curiosity.

"The second reason was that Jaune Arc's personality was simply well suited to saving Cinder." Ozpin explained. "His personality was the second most compatible to hers according to my formula."

"Really? Why didn't you use the most compatible person? Was he unavailable?"

Ozpin looked away in embarrassment. "Actually, it was a woman. You, as a matter of fact."

Glynda gave the man a flat glare. "I'm perfectly straight Ozpin."

"I know," Ozpin said, squirming under her glare. "My shipping formula is gender neutral. It simply matches personalities and history. Besides, I would never try to ship you. You would probably castrate me if I ever tried and… and quite frankly I find the prospect of you being with someone else… uncomfortable at best."

It wasn't exactly a confession, but it was enough to send a burst of warmth through her chest. Smiling, Glynda leaned over and pecked the headmaster on the cheek.

"And don't you forget it." She told him.

James just started smashing his head harder.

Dammit Ozpin.

**o0-Epilogue-0o**

Ozpin and Glynda got together… eventually.

Qrow gave up being subtle and finally locked Ozpin and Glynda in a room and threatened to never let them out until they porked. He still has the tapes.

Disillusioned with military life, Ironwood left the Atlas Armed Forces to create a successful web based comedy series. He decided to call his company, Chicken-Dentals.

After many volumes of character development and levels in badass taken, Jaune eventually grew to be one of the greatest harem protagonists of all time. His current rival is Negi Springfield.

Cinder eventually gave up her life of villainy to settle down with her husband. They had many blonde haired children together.

After many years of being a Huntress, Pyrrha also settled down with her husband. They had many blonde haired children together.

Mercury and Emerald still insist they're just "friends". No one believes them.

Roman also gave up his criminal life and went on to star in the award winning film, Clockwork Orange.

Ren finally became "together together" with Nora. They later retired from Hunting work and opened a pancake shop.

Recognizing her potential, Nora was taken under Ozpin's wing and taught the sacred arts of shipping to become the next generation Ship-Master. The world was not ready.

Sun and Neptune went back to Vacuo and then embarked on a legendary journey to the west in their own spinoff show.

As Qrow predicted, Weiss was left heartbroken by Neptune's departure. Luckily, she had Ruby to comfort her. They are very happy together

Yang finally found out all the secrets to her past and moved on with her life.

Blake went on to become a bestselling erotic romance novelist. Her hits include "50 Shades of Sexual Harassment", "Joeled" and "Yang: A Story of my Sexual Submission".

Penny saved the world as the Avatar. She later fell in love with a man named Theodore who reciprocated her feelings despite her robotic nature. Sadly, she evolved beyond the mental capacities of her human companion and left for a higher plane of digital existence.

Adam finally received the screen time he deserved. There was much rejoicing.

Winter finally received the screen time she deserved. There was much rejoicing.

Sage and Scarlet finally got screen time in RWBY Volume III. Unfortunately, Miles and Kerry decided to troll the audience by giving them no lines of dialogue.

Melanie and Miltiades Malachite went on to have their own spinoff show, a comedy sitcom about the hijinks of a bunch of wacky friends trying to run a bar.

Port finally got shipped. He married into an aristocratic family called the Armstrongs. He named his first son Alex and his daughter Olivia.

Bartholomew tried to defy Ozpin's ships till the bitter end. It was all a part of Ozpin's elaborate plan. No one escapes the Ship-Wizard.

Team CRDL lived happily ever after. Their activities formed the basis for a very popular comic series targeted at Japanese school girls.

Coco also lived happily ever after with her harem (aka Team CFVY). Much ass kicking was involved.

After several volumes of sadistic teasing on the part of the writers, RWBY fans finally got see Velvet's weapon. It was so awesome many fans were reported to have passed out from emotions that resembled orgasm whilst simultaneously winning the lottery.

RWBY Volume III blew everyone's minds and went on to win every award it was eligible for. (Kerry cried like a bitch)

Lazer Team went on to win all the Oscars it was eligible for. (Burnie cried like a bitch)

All of Ozpin's ships became canon.

* * *

**General RTS:** This took way too long to get out. Between college and a full time job, I no longer have the time I used to for writing stories. This was a fun little story to write and I enjoyed reading all of the supportive comments. It was especially flattering when I discovered that someone had made a TvTropes page for this fic, so props to whoever took the time to do that. Nora as Ship-Wizard? I can't tell if that's horrifying or awesome? Anyways Roosterteeth, make Arkosfall happen now!


End file.
